Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Awkward Convo


A conversation I would have if I awkwardly encountered my ignored blog in the organic aisle of Kroger.



Hey. I haven’t been ignoring you, I promise. I’ve been head-spinning, pants-wetting busy. I still love you. My friends will tell you that I haven’t called them either. My mom and dad will DEFINITELY tell you that I haven’t called.



For 6 straight weekends spread across October and November, I was out of town. Yes, I could have called. I could have written. I could have told you about the amazing Junior and Senior High Retreat, perma-frost football, Glee-king out with my favorite new show, about falling more in love with my boy, the high quality books I’ve been reading, my thoughts in inching closer to 30, or (most recently) my time with one of my youth ministry heroes.



But Dana has been sick (for like a month) with fatigue-inducing sinus infection on top of a fatigue-inducing (but tremendously handsome, awesome, and excited about “kissmas”) little boy.


So, at the risk of sounding lame…I’ll be back. .




Thursday, September 24, 2009

King Quote


In the twilight of their careers (if there ever was such a thing), Stockton and Malone's coming-down-mountain Jazz met the trekking-up-the-hill Sacramento Kings in several epic battles. The comparative color schemes contrasted with the on-court style - chest-passing Stockton against no-looking turnover "White Chocolate" Jason Williams; "Crybaby" (my nickname) Chris Webber vs. Stoic Karl Malone; White and Pasty Greg Ostertag vs. "The Terrorist" (FBI search warning!) Vlade Divac. Divac in particular had mastered drawing the offensive foul and looking like every bad guy in every single 80s military themed movie. "Pack a Day" Divac always looked like he had just wired explosives to a bus and demanded 5 million dollars.

But underneath the permanent five o'clock shadow, Divac is a class act. With regards to never winning a championship (like Stockton and Malone), Divac said this.

"People here [in America] are making a big deal about ring or no ring. I was playing against the Lakers and I remember someone [in the crowd] shouted, 'How many rings you got?' I told him one. He looked at me [funny], so I said, 'I got one in '89 when I got married, I got a ring from my wife.' That's the most important thing."

My next child will still not be named "Vlade."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Father's Confessions


After my boy goes to sleep, there is a void in my house and heart. There are no heavy feet "hopping", no fat cheeks to kiss, no little stout torso to tackle you when you aren't looking, and no sweet voice calling out a favorite Thomas the Tank Engine (Toby, which sounds more like "Oby!").

Sometimes, the hole in my heart is too much, so I tiptoe around the "choo-choos", put my chin on his crib, and gaze at my no-longer-baby boy. He lays there with stretched-neck under-stuffed kitty in one hand, Toby in the other, blanket ("hanket"), stuffed basketball ("beebaw!"), and Elmo ("Melmo") all kicked to the side.

I wonder how often my Father tiptoes around my toys and puts his chin on the side of my bed?

In about ten hours, we will be awakened by some combination of "My Mommy!" "My Daddy!" "Out!" and "Poo Poo!" I will go to him, place my hands under his outstretched arms and say, "Good Morning, my son."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Necessary Reform


There is a crisis in this nation.

If left unchecked, this crisis threatens to obliterate the very foundation of our existence. There can be no compromise. Rather, we must stand steadfast and demand the following reforms as if our lives and legacy depended on them...because they do.

I am talking of Waiting Room Reform.

The Waiting Room does not discriminate between right, left, man, woman, black, white, Christian, or pagan. It is a black hole of brimstone with a two-month old Good Housekeeping orbiting a galaxy of airborne assassins. There can be no rest until the following reforms are implemented - deficit or not!

1) Each waiting room shall have a variety of selection of magazines. I am not interested in how Kirstie Alley got her bikini body back, nor do I plan on expending the time or the attention necessary to keep up with the Mating Habits of Amazonian Monkeys. Further, the ten minute tuna casserole is of no interest to me. Waiting Rooms should contain magazines for all genders and interest...let's say, Time, Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly, and People. Good Housekeeping (which has hitherto had a monopoly on waiting rooms) is permanently banned. Money spent on the fish tank can be better spent in magazine subscriptions.

2) Each waiting room shall have up to date magazines. Time capsules belong in the ground and in the back of yearbooks.

3) Each chair shall not share armrests. I understand that patient privacy laws prevent me from determining what is wrong with the person whose arm is rubbing against mine. Rubbing arms is the front line in defending disease.

4) Each chair shall contain mandatory sanitary dispensers that spray like the produce at Kroger. Constant freshness and sanitary-ness.

5) Prevent particular television shows. What did waiting rooms show prior to The View? Daytime television (I am looking at you too, Arthur) is banned from waiting room television sets. The Price is Right is the only exception. Waiting rooms must only show movies that one would stop and watch if you catch them while flipping through channels. These movies include anything that is a trilogy, anything by Pixar, and anything with Tom Cruise. Saved by the Bell is also acceptable.

6) People are slotted in seats based on sickness. I love Jesus, I want to love people like Jesus loves me, but I do not want to sit next to someone who is throwing up. Thus, there should be the following color-coded sections in each doctor's office waiting room. 1. cold / respiratory issues 2. diarrhea 3. vomiting 4. unknown / multiple systems. Someone will have to help me choose the colors...I am color blind.

I will continue to pay 25% of my salary for health insurance only if these bi-partisan reforms are implemented.

Monday, August 31, 2009

This Is Hot



This guy and the guy with the homemade Wolverine claws should get together. I would never go above the speed limit again.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Poor Boy Pitino

In an integrity emergency, please break glass and do the following.

1) Blame the media. (Pitino: You guys are the ones that are showing this...It's a sad day when Ted Kennedy dies (this is in the news)...If you are a fan of anything good this program has done, pleas watch something else...read something else.")

2) Smear / talk-down your accuser (Pitino:"This person... Her husband is trying to get 100% custody of the children...")

3) Play the family card ( (Pitino: "This has been hell for my wife nad my family. My friends and family had to read this garbage / these vicious things...")

4) Point forwards to the trial. ( (Pitino: " I will wait to the trial...my lawyers have asked me not to speak about this...the truth will come out.")

5) Claim you are ready to move forward (Pitino: "Let's move onto ... crucial things in life like basketball.")

6) Claim "victim" status. ( Angry Pitino: "I've been blackmailed...it's a sad commentary on our society (that we are paying attention to this)" )

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Pitino Problemo



In the land where the grass is blue (but it's really green), hearts are hung on ten-foot hoops. In this painted-area promised land, Rick Pitino has been anointed (not begrudgingly) savior not once but twice - resurrecting a penalized Kentucky program and shaking the University of Louisville out of the Denny Crum doldrums. The man in the white suit then slapped his savior-ship on two books and products stretching from Louisville to Lexington.

And now the other shoe...and the pants..have dropped. Pitino the father and husband has admitted to an affair and a payment for either an abortion or health insurance.

Despite his Xs and Os genius, Pitino was unable to XYZ and the response has been more difficult than getting caught in said zipper.

I will be torn - the name on the jersey represents a place I love enough to throw up a "rock on" sign at the mere mention of "the ville". Yet the self-described devout Catholic and his supporters fail to grasp the gravity of the situation. Pitino not only marketed his success, but also his piety. Not just his heart for the hardwood but his passion for people and their success.

And thus, Pitino can prove his ultimate love for others by not only admitting his mistake, but also accepting the consequences therein - by resigning. Never mind that coaches should be worthy of respect and universities should be places of learning and character building, Pitino can prove himself to be the man he calls others to be by sparing his family the vicious and vociferous venom lobbed at his loved ones. Regardless of whatever consequences he has felt like he deserves, his wife and sons deserve none. By falling on his clipboard, Pitino not only protects his family but incarnates his ultimate demand from his players: team play.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Voice in the Wilderness

I am the voice, calling in the wilderness. I am the voice of love, of reason, of a life connected with God...and sometimes I pop up out of nowhere to share my prophetic guidance.



Sunday, August 16, 2009

High Five


What are the moments that changed everything? The things that, when you relate them in story are preceded by an ominous “and then it happened.” The happenings that don’t hit your plan off course but rebound a new one into existence. What are the flashbang moments that caste everything in back-lit relief?

If you could shave the whole of your experience to a flash-bulb beginning – what would it be? Not the birth of a child, or the passion-underscored conception of it, but the fleeting first glance, the hesitant first kiss, or the initial dawning of daydreaming love.

Mine would be this: a sticky summer night where flag-football practice gave way to the blue-eyed brunette on the sidelines. My friend Dustin called the brunette for himself, and I nodded with zero intention of agreeing. She was mine. Several months later, in a dorm room kitchen over creamy EZ-Mac, I told that brunette that I was falling in love with her. Four years later, on the banks of the Ohio River, I slipped a ring on her finger and told her that I would love her forever. Five years later, I love her more than I did then. My life is cast with a Dana backdrop that enhances and improves each part of it. I would have it no other way.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cut It Out

The part of me that still makes its home in the sticky hallway of junior high is stoked to see this. But that part of me knows enough to demonstrate on something other than a box, and somewhere other than my mom's basement.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Church Council Meetings





Good to know that Barack sometimes gets frustrated by old white men as well.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Class Dismissed

Two years ago (has it been that long?), about this time, I was enamored with an undersized Utah Jazz guard. He played like he spoke, with passion and class. Sadly, the gaudy purple and gold of Los Angeles can turn even Fine Derek Fisher into Douchy Derek Fisher.



Fisher later explained he was going to run through the pick and couldn't stop himself once he started going. Unfortunately for the Douchy Deuce (since he wears number 2, get it?), his dome got injured when he lifted it into Luis Scola's chin.


P.S. Dig Yao's Middle-school fu-manchu.

The Leprechaun

It could be a crackhead or a shadow, but irregardless the leprechaun has emerged from a month-long slog in the YouTube morass to claim ultimate victory! In celebration of the amateur sketch and its resounding defeat of Bubb Rubb, Cassie, Denny Hazen, and the illustrious grape stomp. I present you with this victory dance.



I will give you the gold - because you won.

If you voted for the leprechaun, throw up your camera phone and give me YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Finals

The Clash of the YouTube Titans. Will the special Leprechaun flute silence the morning alarm clock? Will the YEEEAAH wipe out the WHOO WHOO!? Will Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis shut down camera-phones and crackheads? 1 vs. 2!!

(1)Alabama Leprechaun vs.
(2) Whistle Tips






The matchup, and the tournament, end at midnight CST Wednesday!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Final Four

Having had some time to cleanse the YouTube palate, let us allow the belly laughs to bubble once more, with the tournament's final four.

(1) Alabama Leprechaun vs.
(4) Average Homeboy


The special leprechaun flute duels the running-it-by-myself Casio keyboard.

Average Homeboy
can rap until dawn
but will he de-tree
the lep-re-chaun?





(2) Whistle Tips vs.
(3) Cassie vs. the Monster


Will the whistle tips wake up Cassie in the morning? Or will Cassie deliver another ask-kicking to the combined Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis?





Semi-Finals last until Sunday night! The battle to crown the champion commences on Monday.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

We Interrupt this Hilarity....

to bring you an important Public Service Announcement.



Tournament resumes tonight with the Final Four tipping off!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Round 2 - Matches 3 and 4

Two spots left in the Final Four - who will join Blazin' Hazen and the Leprechaun (YEEEEEEEAAAH!!!)

Today's Matchup!

When kids attack - If Charlie comes in here, Cassie's gonna kick his ask. Either way, it WEALLY hurd, Chah-lee.


(3) Cassie vs. the Monster vs.
(6) Charlie Bit Me







Some-a US-Americans don't have maps - but some-a US-Americans have whistle-tips, that go WOOOO-WOOOO. Will Miss Teen South Carolina locate the whistle tips or will Bubb-Rubb and Lil Sis be heard from miles away?

(10) Miss Teen South Carolina vs.
(2) Whistle Tips







Round 2 ends Friday night! Finals weekend begins Saturday morning!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Round 2 - Matchups 1 and 2

Round 2 Begins!

This guy, decked out head to toe, tries to use his special leprechaun flute to tumble Scarlet right out of the tournament. Scarlet tries to perform that and break someone else's neck off a table. Crackhead in a tree, meet crackhead on a table.


(1) Leprechaun in Alabama vs.
(8) Scarlet Takes a Tumble







The Japanese Aerobics class beg Blazin' Hazen to spare me my life, while Denny reminds them that the audio is only rough because he was running it for himself. Will the Average Homeboy fare better than the bandanna-clad Homeboy Robbers?


(12) Japanese Aerobics vs.
(4) Blazin' Hazen






Voting open until noon CST tomorrow!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Hilar8e

The Elite 8 have separated themselves from the pretenders. Despite the absence of "I like turtles" and "Grape Stomp", the laugh-inducing lineup will cause you great joy and great distress as you choose which box to click.

Preview the second round goodness - and come back tomorrow and Wednesday.

(1) Alabama Leprechaun vs.
(8) Scarlet Takes a Tumble

(12) English Lessons / Aerobics vs.
(4) Blazin' Hazen

(3) Cassie vs. the Monster vs.
(6) Charlie Bit Me

(10) Miss Teen South Carolina vs.
(2) Whistle Tips

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Round 1 - Matches 7 and 8

Waiting for the last two entries into the second round. Cassie kicks some ask and the Grape Stomp lady gets bitten by an English bulldog.

(3) Cassie (70%)
(14) Newscaster (30%)

(6) Charlie (55%)
(11) Grape Stomp (45%)

Today's Matchups!

Can Miss Teen South Carolina discover Kentucky on a map before the Turtleman pulls her by her tail? It is my personal belief that that there Indian Rebel yell is in for a battle.

(7) Kentucky Turtleman
(10) Miss Teen South Carolina





Will the whistling Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis (That's only in the morning!) drive Jesus crazy before He, and his vest-matching backup singers ZAP them?

(15) Sonseed
(2) Whistle Tips





You have until 8 AM CST Monday! Second round begins then!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Round 1 - Matches 5 and 6

The dreaded 12 vs. 5 matchup results in the first upset of the tournament! Denny Hazen blazes on to the second round.

(5) Turtle Kid (45%)
(12) Japanese Aerobics (54%)

(4) Average Homeboy (69%)
(13) Pinky the Cat (30%)


Is the newscaster going to be gay...er...excuse me...victorious? Or is Cassie gonna kick her ask when she comes over here?

(3) Cassie and the Monster
(14) Newscaster Mistake







Will Charlie get stomped like a grape (oooh oooh aaah) or will Charlie bit me (and it really hurt!)?

(6) Charlie Bit Me
(11) Grape Stomp





You have 24 hours!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Round 1 - Matchups 3 and 4

The number one seed Leprechaun holds off an explosive attempt from the sixteenth seed whale while number eight Scarlet narrowly avoids the surprised ninth-seeded Tyrone.


Today's Matchup!

Will the Turtle Boy teach the Japanese Aerobic girls a new English phrase? Or will the Japanese aerobics class take anything they want?

(5) I Like Turtles
(12) Japanese Aerobics






Will Pinky sink his teeth into the Average Homeboy? Or will Denny Hazen blaze Pinky? Remember, it's just a demo.

(4) Average Homeboy
(13) Pinky the Cat






You have 24 hours!

Monday, April 13, 2009

1st Round Matchup

Will the upset-minded whale explode the leprechaun? Or will the leprechaun cast a shadow on all crackheads that attempt to uproot this tree?

1) Leprechaun in Alabama
(16) Exploding Whale






Will Tyrone surprise Scarlet with a right cross? Or will Scarlet tumble into the next round?

(8) Scarlet Takes a Tumble
(9) Tyrone vs. Halloween



Thursday, April 9, 2009

Mirth Announcement

Once you lose your laughter, it is a slippery slope down to bottoming burnout. So, in light of spring forgetting to arrive, let's crank the hilarity to eleven and pull off the knobs.

In light of (another) bracket defeat by not one, but two girls who have NO CLUE about college basketball, I decided to participate in a bracket that I could win - one that I put together. Below, you will find the preview bracket for a month's worth of mirth - culled from the finest You Tube has to offer. You, faithful reader (and casual passerby who stumbles here) will have a chance to measure the hilarity by casting your vote for one out of the two hilarious videos shown here. The videos are seeded (even though you can't see that) and one will advance from every match up.

Here are the guidelines I used:
1) The videos had to be unintentionally funny. Michael Scott and Andy Samberg will be sitting this one out.
2) The videos had to be clean - which almost disqualified Cassie.
3) When possible, I tried to limit the types of videos. (i.e. I could watch people falling all day). So, limited falling, limited animals, and limited people from Kentucky.

Below, you will find the bracket - voting starts Monday. Any guesses on the winner?




Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Virtual World

Came upon this a brief but interesting article with regards to the virtual world created by doctored images. Copied and pasted below, with my emphasis added.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The hat tip.

French public health officials are considering laws that would ban the promotion of eating disorders — including a requirement that magazines reveal the extent to which their images have been artificially retouched. It’s viewed as a public health issue because girls and boys (and men and women) are feeling increasingly ashamed of their bodies as they compare themselves to what they see all around them — images of bodies that are not real, that have been photoshopped, digitally airbrushed and heavily modified.

Of course, ever since the birth of the movie star early last century, their images have been cleaned up, improved and controlled. Celebrities and pin-ups have been with us for a long time, and the fairytale world of far-off Hollywood was always infinitely better than whatever small town reality you were living in. But it was just that — a fairytale kingdom that existed far away, with relatively few inhabitants.

The difference, I suppose, is that of quantity, not quality. These days, altered images are ubiquitous; the fairytale world threatens to engulf our own. The illusion is more complete, too — with digital technology it’s harder to see the smoothing. Stalin would have drooled at the possibilities. Almost nothing one sees in print or advertisements hasn’t been “improved” in some way, except maybe some journalistic news photos — and even those are suspect. There’s the visual field that consists of us and our friends, and then there’s the print world — certainly more dramatic, and often more physically perfect. We live in a parallel universe, slightly more drab and definitely more pudgy.

One can’t legislate the heavenly world out of existence — people need fairytales, after all — but maybe a more constant reminder to not believe everything we see would help us to retain some tenuous connection with our pathetic reality. The thing is, we can’t help believing what we see. When I look at an impossibly sexy woman on a billboard, I can tell myself that she’s been sculpted and smoothed to death, but I’m riveted and transfixed nonetheless. Instinct triumphs over intellect.

Pascal Dangin, a well-known retoucher who works on a lot of the images in fashion magazines (and for some fine artists as well), naturally doesn’t see it exactly that way. He makes photos that “improve on life,” in his words. But if I can paraphrase, he might say that he makes an image more like what it wants to be — and therefore it ends up being closer to what we desire to see. That doesn’t necessarily mean perfect — he is careful to avoid airbrushing the personality out of a person — but it does mean he’s certainly not against making quite a few (what he has determined are aesthetic) improvements.

The health departments are alarmed at the effect all this is having on young people. Boys hanker for steroids, and girls, a session with the knife, in order to look more like what they see in the magazines. Unfortunately, the magazines don’t just feature physically enhanced people — they’ve been heavily retouched as well. We would have to hand out some kind of high-tech, rose colored, photoshopping glasses in order to achieve a visual simulation of the media population."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Insightful

A Washington Post reporter likes to ask athletes metaphysical questions. He introduced his latest column with this.

"There's been a lot of talk this week among a certain segment of our readers on whether it's acceptable for a sportswriter to hate sports. Hyperbole aside, I'd say most of us have those moments of "Wow, I thought I was going to change the world and instead I'm watching a 16-55 NBA team descend to 16-56 while little kids dance to 'Mony Mony' on the big screen and grown men fight for freebie t-shirts fired by a dude in a full-body blue Spandex suit."

Even though I love my job, there are particularly difficult days where I think the ministerial equivalent of this.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hall of Fame

Already in my Hall of Fame, John Stockton is officially part of the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.



The story of Stockton's career- he will be inducted alongside / overshadowed by Michael Jordan. It was good to see him again. He looks like he could average 10 points and 5 assists as a 47 year old.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Joys of the Jazz

It's about time someone besides me paid attention to the Jazz. It's a shame it had to be done this way...



While I hope to raise Stockton as a Jazz fan, I would very much like to avoid this.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Questions

"Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentments? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions!" -Henri Nouwen

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mourning

"I had already hit the wall, and this is the ton of bricks that was on top of the wall that I am now buried under."

Jason to Dana, Sunday night, 8:34 CST, after learning Stockton had body slammed the laptop.

I have learned many things as a father. And this week, I am learning forgiveness. My beloved baby boy, all 29 pounds of him, pulled the laptop off an end table, potentially destroying the hard drive and all that resided on it. (I say potentially because there is but one thing left to try and because I am in denial.) As of now, pictures and videos of Stockton's first year of life and a TOME of seminary material are lost somewhere between the dented whoseywhatsit and the jammed thingamajig.

One day we might look back on this and laugh, but not today friends. Not tomorrow either.


Probably not Monday either.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Don't Believe in Twitter


As it turns out, Twitter KyleKorver is not the real life Kyle Korver. Please disregard the excitement of the previous post.

I feel used.

Palm face.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Believe in Twitter (part 2)

Here is my exclusive twitterview (twitter interview) with Utah Jazz Shooting Guard Kyle Korver (or someone claiming to be him).


Jason: @KyleKorver - teach me to shoot like you! Who do you like in the tournament?
Kyle Korver: @jasontbrown Memphis
Jason: @KyleKorver when you guys travel on the road, do you have roommates? If so, who do you end up with?
Kyle Korver: @jasontbrown When we do it's usually with Harpring
KyleKorver: I need to starting getting ready for tonight. I will stay on for 5 more minutes.
Jason: @KyleKorver thanks for the impromptu inside access - good luck tonight


(this is as big as I could get the screen capture - sorry)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Quality Quotes

From Eric Musselman's blog. As in, former coach of the Golden State Warriors and Sacramento Kings. Yes, I did send him an e-mail telling him how awesome his blog is, and yes, he did respond. Not quite Jerry Sloan (who, coincidentally, does not have a blog), but close!

According to Pablo Picasso, one of the world's great painters, his mother told him, "If you become a solider, you'll be a general. If you become a monk, you'll end up as Pope." He continued: "Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Feline Freakout

I have been meaning to upload this for a while. It happened a little over a month ago. It's crazy to see his development even since then. While outside, Stockton sees a cat and we chase it. Luckily, it rests on our porch and Stockton gets the thrill of his young life.

Friday, March 6, 2009

They Don't Serve Breakfast in Heaven Either




This is the most depressing Christian song in history.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stockton's Many Moves



I love this little boy. There is no substitute for squirting each other with plastic animals while he's taking a bath or running around the house screaming and growling like a lion. Stockton has trooped through a couple of ear infections (or one super stubborn one) and it seems like he demonstrates a new ability every day. His latest (and funniest) exploits involve his new favorite thing - animals. He growls like a lion, moos like a cow, howls like a wolf, puckers like a fish, laps water like a cat, barks like a dog, and (my favorite) moves his elbows-out-arms while hooting like a monkey. This picture caught him mid-monkey. He likes to laugh, dance, kissy-face, repeat our words, be chased, drink bathwater, show you his belly, and is developing a severe independent streak. He does not like waking up, the word "no", or strangers (unless they are blond women - see number three on the "like" list.) Just today, he attempted to dribble a ball when I said "dribble."

I would not trade him for ten Utah Jazz championships.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Losing Teeth

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, sleep has rarely come without the vivid backdrop of a disturbing recurring dream. At some point on the midnight dreary, my teeth drop out of my head. The pearly whites take a pass on being plastered to my head and, to my horror, slide out three and four at a time. It's not spontaneous dental hydroplosion (there's an obscure reference), but a disturbing large-scale loss of dentistry; I am left holding patches of porcelain.

A couple of websites have insight into my plight, none of them are flattering:

1) "Waking Dream" Sometimes teeth fall out, sometimes they are simply missing, sometimes they crumble away. Whichever way they make their exit, the dreamer is left with not only a gap in her smile, but a hole in her heart when she awakens. I do have a hole in my heart when I wake up...

2) "Personal Appearance Anxiety" One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Is this saying I am a pretty boy? Is that news?

3) "Fear of Embarrassment or Failure" Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety I think I have embarrassed myself enough to be over that.

4) "Feelings of Inferiority or Powerlessness" Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. Is my little man's disease coming to light?

5) "Menopause" In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine. Oh my.

"A Chainsaw Hit My Teeth"

I am not proud that the majority of my blog has been YouTube highlights lately, but this was too good to pass up. Here is "The Turtleman", a gentleman in Kentucky (where else?) that hunts snapping turtles for fun.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Believe in Twitter

I ran into a great story on an NBA blog I follow. check it out.

Whenever a celebrity has a blog, or a Twitter feed, or even writes a column -- you have to wonder: Is this really the celebrity writing?

Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter feed has been vouched for every which way. But that didn't stop Phoenix's Jesse Bearden from doubting. It was something he and his friend Sean had debated many times. Jesse writes about what happened next on his blog a Foot and a Half.

"You realize that 'The Real Shaq' is probably a 5-4, white, 14-year-old emo kid who's getting his jollies from the attention, right?" I asked him.

"I don't know. I think it's really him"

Today Sean and I were discussing rumored trade situations over IM, and the possibility of Shaq being traded to Cleveland.

"Well, I just got a twitter from The Real Shaq, and he's at 5 & Diner right now," Sean informed me.

"Let's go then" I said, assuming that I'd finally put this "Real Shaq" crap to rest.

Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to the restaurant and looking for the big black truck that he's rumored to drive around town. "Maybe that's it" Sean said, pointing at an older, but nice van and laughing. As we pulled up I saw the Superman symbol on the grill.

Maybe that is it?

We went in, and to my surprise the MDE (Most Dominant Ever) was sitting in the corner booth by himself. We gave the man a nod and "Hey" as we walked to our table and were soon whispering back and forth like 12-year-old girls at the seventh grade dance.

"You go talk to him" I said, while tugging nervously on my dress.

"No, you go talk to him" Sean replied while flipping his hair.

We placed our order, and spent 10 minutes trying to work up the sack to go say something.

"Should I tell him I'm glad he's sticking around?"

"Go tell him you're his twitter buddy."

"Should I ask for a picture?"

Given another two or three years, I'm sure we would have worked up the nerve to go talk to him, but before that could happen Sean's iPhone buzzed with a "tweet" from Shaq.

I feel twitterers around me, r there any twitterers in 5 n diner wit me, say somethin

[Editor's note: You can see this on Shaq's Twitter feed right now.]

"Hey" Sean said, with a slight bit of confidence.

Returning to our hushed whispers I asked Sean, "Should we go talk to him now?"
"I don't know, should we?"

"Yes, you should" a very deep voice entered our conversation from two booths over.

We quickly hopped up and rushed over like like two eight-year-olds who had just heard the ice cream truck pass by.

The rest of the story goes just like you'd like it to. O'Neal was extremely gracious, and a little gadget-oriented. He tipped about 6,000%, and everyone went home happy. Worth reading the whole thing.

And by all means doubt all kinds of things. But I, for one, will never again doubt the authenticity of Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter feed.

Believe in Twitter

I ran into a great story on an NBA blog I follow.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Marinating


"How baffling you are, oh Church, and yet how I love you!

How you have made me suffer, and yet how much I owe you!

I should like to see you destroyed, and yet I need your presence.
You have given me so much scandal and yet you have made me understand sanctity.

I have seen nothing in the world more devoted to obscurity, more compromised, more false, and I have touched nothing more pure, more generous, more beautiful. How often

I have wanted to shut the doors of my soul in your face, and how often I have prayed to die in the safety of your arms.

No I cannot free myself from you, because I am you, although not completely.

And where should I go?"

- Carlo Carretto, The God Who Comes

Monday, February 2, 2009

Innocent, Until Proven Guilty

There is nothing funny about children missing or being abducted. With that disclaimer, this newscast makes a hilarious blooper.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Let Us Now Introduce Famous Men (And Women)




Cue the 90s synth pop. Dim the lights. Thump the bass. Blow up the fireworks. And let me introduce you to the starting lineup for the All-Star Qualities, a team of mentors and teachers that have shaped the half-court offense of my life. They have rebounded my errant shots, screened off defenders, and coached me through the fast break of ministerial life. The starting five is limited to a) people older than me b) people who I have a personal relationship with (i.e. outside the classroom) c) people I have known for more than a year. Pull off your snap-on warm-up pants, slide your jersey on, clap and/or do your pregame dance ritual, and click the YouTube tune below. Here are the starters (with scouting report)...





At guard, Tony Akers - (initiates the offense and sets others up for success, not afraid to tell teammates the truth, deadly outside shot (though struggles with H-O-R-S-E at camp), not afraid to take the big shot; maintains peak physical condition through love and nutrition of Debbie Akers)

At the other guard, David Bauer - (sees all the angles on the court and in scripture, anticipates authorial intent and opponents next move; makes crisp scriptural connections and bounce passes; pinpoint accuracy anywhere in the New Testament and the New School of Hoops)

At forward, Coleman Howlett - (the heart and soul of the team; plays and preaches with heart and moxie; plays hard no matter what)

At the other forward, Sandra Richter - (undersized but makes up for it with unparalleled passion; cleans up the glass and cluttered Old Testament theology; tears up lackadaisical defense and Old Testament exegesis)

At center, Jim Hampton - (solid anchor in the middle of chaotic game and youth ministry; responds to layups and weak theology with "Get that outta here!")

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

One for the Scrapbook

Remember when your mom would cut out anything that involved you in the newspaper? Blogspot is the new scrapbook. I was interviewed by the local paper about student / youth ministry. The article quotes me as calling youth "children" which I can't say that I have never done, but I try like the dickens not to. Other than that, it's a decent article. Here it is for your reading enjoyment.

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Ministering to youth
Leaders connect with young people on their level, teach them ‘what it takes to lead us to God’



Natalie Jordan, The Daily News, njordan@bgdailynews.com

Thirteen-year-old Seth Davis usually joins his peers on Sunday, but on Wednesday nights at Hillvue Heights Church, he’s helping out in Club 56 – the church’s special place for fifth- and sixth-graders.

“We’re just trying to get others interested in the message of God, and getting them saved,” he said.

Many churches are taking a team approach to minister to congregations with focuses on different age groups.

“You understand more when you’re younger,” Seth said, saying that adults are often too set in their ways. “We’re more willing to accept God and others.”

Adolescence is a time of emotional and spiritual upheaval, said Jason Brown, student minister at Broadway United Methodist Church. It’s a time when children are trying to figure out their identity and are looking for a connection to something, he said.

“We help them answer those questions, guide them on their lifelong journey with Christ,” Brown said. “There is a large emphasis on connection and relationships.”

Youth ministries serve as an outlet for fellowship, an outlet for growth in Christ, and a way to be involved in activities, such as bible studies that speak to children on their level, said Jeff Armstrong, next generation pastor for Living Hope Baptist Church.

Dealing primarily with 12- to 18-year olds, Armstrong has the help of two other youth pastors on staff. He said it just seems natural to break the ministry down to a child’s level, especially in larger churches with thousands of members.

“To depend on one man would be a large task,” he said.

What churches have done is delegate responsibilities to certain pastors who can deal with certain life stages, Armstrong said.

At Living Hope, Cindy Starr ministers to preschoolers and other children; at Hillvue that position is delegated to preschool minister Bethann Ayers, children’s minister Angela Lasley and youth minister Shane Blankenship. All three are seminary-trained, Lasley said.

“As the church has grown, the need to minister to certain age groups has grown,” Armstrong said.

Church is a family of God, Lasley said, and through Christ, “all are connected.” And there is a need for more people to help that connection, she said.

“The staff here is very willing to help us out, and do what it takes to lead us to God,” Seth said. “They’re not forcing us, but guiding us.”

While the role youth ministry plays is different in each church, a commonality is their goal to be a resource for parents. Churches look to partner with parents to help them raise their children in the way God’s word teaches, Armstrong said.

“We are not the primary spiritual leaders, parents are,” Lasley said. “So we want to supplement that.”

Lasley said people are seeing difficulties, and need help and support, which they find in ministry. As opposed to the adult ministry, she said the youth and children’s ministries are teaching ministries.

At Hillvue, the belief is that God has appointed every parent as his or her child’s primary spiritual instructor. The ministry’s role is to assist and equip parents in that task. The desire is to “facilitate the child’s growth in his or her relationship with Christ” and “prepare them to discover their uniqueness and God’s mission for their lives.”

“The children’s ministry provides a foundation, and the youth ministry supplements that,” Brown said. “We want them to establish a world view, not only looking at the world in a particular way but engaging in the world in a particular way. We want them to look at the world the way Jesus did and engage the way Jesus did.

“We want them to be lifelong disciples of Christ.”

Monday, January 19, 2009

On Confirmation

Preparing to lead my second confirmation class, came upon this quote from Rufinus on the reason why the Apostles' creed was not written down:

"The reason why the creed is not written down on paper or parchment, but is retained in the believers' hearts, is to ensure that is has been learned from the tradition handed down from the Apostles, and not from written texts, which occasionally fall into the hands of unbelievers."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

At long last....the 2008 Jaybees

No lame jokes (maybe a few), no political statements, no drunk presenters, no teleprompter readings, just an honest look back on the year that was. Enjoy glistening golden "J"s. Keep your acceptance speeches short.

Proudest Moment – At the Kentuckians For the Commonwealth Annual Convention, my She-Ra won not one, but two awards. The entire weekend was bathed in “So you’re Dana’s husband!” Yes I was. Honorable mention: every time I go anywhere in public with the little stud. Except the time the Mom’s Day Out teachers told me he was trying to kiss all of the girls in the class. Second Honorable Mention: Standing in line with Stockton to vote.

Most “Oh Jesus, you’re going to have to help me moment” – Middle of October, in a Paducah, KY emergency room with Dana and a feverish baby boy. The nurse attempting to take an x-ray was torturing Stockton by holding him down and holding “Kitty” (Stockton’s Kitty = Linus’ blanket) juuuuuuuust out of reach while Stockton screamed. Touch of pneumonia in his lungs, touch of breaking in my heart, and more than a touch of helplessness in my soul.

Best Book (Seminary) – Oden’s Systematic Theology (recycled from Dr. Coppedge’s Basic Christian Doctrine class.

Best Book (non-Seminary) – All the King’s Men by Robert Penn Warren. The idealist clashes with the pragmatist…sounds somewhat like my marriage.

Most Embarrassing Moment– Wilmore, KY, the Aja’s kitchen. Stockton has done what Stockton does a lot – pooped in his diaper. For reasons unbeknownst to the human mind, Dana stands Stockton up THEN takes the diaper off. Unfortunately, this soupy poopy flowed like a river, deep and wide, all over the Aja linoleum.

Most Surprising Moment – The ninjas / waiters at El Mazatlan sneaking up behind me, then slamming my face with a suffocating amount of whipped cream / ice cream / cinnamon / honey. This is the way I want to die.

Best New Discovery – The power of a baby’s mind. From rasberrying lips to tickling bellies, Stockton attempts to do everything I do. Dana has taught him sign language – I have taught him to pull up people’s shirts and tickle / raspberry. If you lay on the floor, he’ll flash a two-toothed mischief marker and raspberry you.

Best Re-Discovery – The Lectionary.

Best New Skill – Learning Final Cut Pro.

Friend(s) of the Year Award – At the beginning of the year, I made up for three relatively non-sick years with a month-eliminating crud that reduced me to Dana-calling whimper. John David must have thought that I was faking it in order to skip youth – but he filled in faithfully each night. Also, Dana called him to hang stuff up in the house and generally be manlier than I. I won’t tell anyone you watch Gossip Girl, John David, please come forward and accept your Jaybee.

YouTube Video of the Year – Not even close. This one is responsible for a near revolution at church and dissolution of my marriage.

God-Moment of the Year – Saturday night, Senior High Retreat, circled with friends, proclaiming God’s freedom / salvation

Funniest Moment – A day in the church office is marked by time of prayer, thoughtful reflection, quiet, and general seeking of the Holy Spirit…and the occasional prank. I convinced the children’s minister that Hugh Jas was interested in knowing more about the children’s program. He repeated the name several times before realizing that Mr. Jas never spoke to him.

Best Community Building Moment – Six Schrutes, sans babies, sitting hip-to-hip soaking up life on Nicholasville Road and at the Melting Pot. 30 minutes of full body laughter, 30 minutes of waiting for a table, 5 minutes of worrying what Dana was going to do to the manager, 60 minutes of chocolate-soaked quality.

Quote of the Year – On youth ministers: "We are sentries standing, praying and pointing the way, protecting where we can and pushing where we must in the direction that God calls them to go." - Tony Akers Honorable Mention: "No we're not gonna do Stonehenge tonight!" - Spinal Tap

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Doll that Laughs (and gives you nightmares)

I am still trying to get my books / life / picture of Jerry Sloan and I / plates / cups / bed sheets / Utah Jazz slippers out of the thousands of boxes that line the corners of the new crib. As soon as I do, I will present the 2008 Jaybees. For a recap of last year's winners, click here. In the meantime, enjoy this circa 1982 quality toy.