Necessary Reform

There is a crisis in this nation.

If left unchecked, this crisis threatens to obliterate the very foundation of our existence. There can be no compromise. Rather, we must stand steadfast and demand the following reforms as if our lives and legacy depended on them...because they do.

I am talking of Waiting Room Reform.

The Waiting Room does not discriminate between right, left, man, woman, black, white, Christian, or pagan. It is a black hole of brimstone with a two-month old Good Housekeeping orbiting a galaxy of airborne assassins. There can be no rest until the following reforms are implemented - deficit or not!

1) Each waiting room shall have a variety of selection of magazines. I am not interested in how Kirstie Alley got her bikini body back, nor do I plan on expending the time or the attention necessary to keep up with the Mating Habits of Amazonian Monkeys. Further, the ten minute tuna casserole is of no interest to me. Waiting Rooms should contain magazines for all genders and interest...let's say, Time, Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly, and People. Good Housekeeping (which has hitherto had a monopoly on waiting rooms) is permanently banned. Money spent on the fish tank can be better spent in magazine subscriptions.

2) Each waiting room shall have up to date magazines. Time capsules belong in the ground and in the back of yearbooks.

3) Each chair shall not share armrests. I understand that patient privacy laws prevent me from determining what is wrong with the person whose arm is rubbing against mine. Rubbing arms is the front line in defending disease.

4) Each chair shall contain mandatory sanitary dispensers that spray like the produce at Kroger. Constant freshness and sanitary-ness.

5) Prevent particular television shows. What did waiting rooms show prior to The View? Daytime television (I am looking at you too, Arthur) is banned from waiting room television sets. The Price is Right is the only exception. Waiting rooms must only show movies that one would stop and watch if you catch them while flipping through channels. These movies include anything that is a trilogy, anything by Pixar, and anything with Tom Cruise. Saved by the Bell is also acceptable.

6) People are slotted in seats based on sickness. I love Jesus, I want to love people like Jesus loves me, but I do not want to sit next to someone who is throwing up. Thus, there should be the following color-coded sections in each doctor's office waiting room. 1. cold / respiratory issues 2. diarrhea 3. vomiting 4. unknown / multiple systems. Someone will have to help me choose the colors...I am color blind.

I will continue to pay 25% of my salary for health insurance only if these bi-partisan reforms are implemented.